She sang.

It's hard to believe, but today I had my last EVER appointment with Dr. Dreamy.  No more wands, no more blood draws, no more fancy waiting room with fridge full of bottled water.  We were there for our last ultrasound and thankfully, Les Twinkies looked gorgeous.  Truly identical, their hearts were beating at the exact same pace (170 bpm) and they are measuring the exact the same size (22.9mm).  Both of them wiggling around and seemingly very content.  We are blessed beyond all measure.  

Even with this amazing news, I felt a pang as I said thank you and goodbye to Dreamy and his team. After I was officially released with Piglet, I knew we'd be back for another baby so it didn't feel quite so final. But today I saw her.  

The proverbial Fat Lady.

And she sang me a lovely parting song.

It went something like this:

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen 

If you werrrrren't, knocked up, we'd see your face again!  

(musical interlude: dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun duuuuunnnnn, curtsey)

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen

You're preggggnant with twiiiiins, you mustn't drink champagne! 

(repeat musical interlude, curtsey) 

The time, has come, for us to part our wayyyyyssss

Stay onnnn the meds, don't skip, don't miss a daaaayyyyy!

Catchy little number, isn't it?  Catchy and *completely* original, fraulein.  

The Dreamster made my last visit extra bittersweet by looking supremely dapper today. (Ice blue shirt with slight basketweave and darker blue tie with fine diamond pattern, grey slacks, no cuffs, dark brown oxford loafers - you know, in case you were wondering.) And as I lamented that it was my last visit, he said "You can come back anytime."  And I said "Now you realize this is me you're talking to.  You may live to regret that."  And then he laughed and gave me a twinkly smile and said "Just you. YOU can come back anytime."  MELT.  

As I hopped off the table and discarded my paper sheet for the last time, it was a strange feeling knowing that I would never be in that exam room again, never see many of the staff again.  I felt very wistful about it to be honest.  I know it sounds crazy, but you all know me well enough by now to know that I'm nothing if not a lot a little crazy.  I really and truly loved working with the staff there and have had very little, if anything, to complain about.  

To show my gratitude, I plan to do a little something to thank the staff (probably bake them a few dozen cupcakes from scratch) and also something extra special for Dr. Dreamy.  I haven't settled on what yet but it'll come to me. I know it seems backwards that after paying out of pocket for every single thing (you are welcome for the mortgage payment on your gorgeous vacation home), it's ME that's now thanking THEM?  Isn't paying through the nose enough?  It would seem so, but that's just not my style. 

I'm all about grateful. 

Besides, I still have to convince Dreamy to eventually friend me on F.acebook. 

173.5

That's right.  173.5!  A rockstar first beta (11dp3dt)!  And I stand corrected, my first beta two days early with Piglet was a mere 43.7, but I got another beta the next day because I tested early (so Mr. K could be around to get the news too, he was going out of town the next day).  The beta the next day was 98.  The one after that was 223.  

In the scheme of things my beta is a super solid, awesome first beta number.  As it relates to me personally, it's on the high side.  We won't know if it means anything until our first ultrasound at the end of August.  

Suffice to say we are SO SO SO excited!!!  We feel extremely blessed to have another opportunity to be parents and to give Piglet a sibling (to harass like we did our siblings). A red letter day in the VK household for sure.  

I can't say it enough - THANK YOU for all your outstanding cheering, love and support.  

Much love to you all. 

Miss MVK

Beta day!

Well today's the day.  We find out exactly how much HCG the pregnancy tests have been detecting.  My first beta (which was two days early) with Piglet was 98.  I'm thinking this time my beta will be in the mid to upper 100s.  

I'm so excited I feel like I might barf. 

Speaking of pregnancy symptoms, so far, mine are as follows:

• hunger, a lot of it or none of it
• insomnia coupled with bouts of sleeping like I'm in a coma
• extreme klutziness, it's sad really, like watching a newborn filly
• forgetfulness, I keep forgetting to pay our poor, deserving nanny
• protruding belly, yes I know I am only 4w along, but couple that with it being my second and the lovely IVF weight and well, you do the math
• smell aversions, strong coffee slays me (though it didn't last time and I generally love the smell of java)

Okay, off to get my 101,228 blood draw of the year.  Hoping it's the one that counts!  

Confession

I hate to be surprised.  I really really don't like it.  I am one of those terrible people who reads half of the book and then reads the end.  I do go back and read the rest of the book though, so that's something, right?  I just do much better when I know what to expect. Good or bad, if I have anything to say about it, I want to know, not be told.  

Infertiles have differing opinions about whether or not to take home pregnancy tests before their beta/blood tests.  

Given what I told you in the first paragraph you can guess which camp I'm in.  

GO TEAM POAS (Pee On A Stick)!!! 

Knowledge is power, people.  

So the question is, what new knowledge do I have? 

Two lines.

One word.

PREGNANT.  

I am pregnant with Baby Deux!!!!!!!!

...and I could not be more overwhelming grateful, hopeful and elated.  

Thank you for all the support, prayers, good thoughts and vibes.  They worked!

And now for the confession portion of the program - I started taking pregnancy tests on Thursday morning and all came back positive.  They started out faint, but have steadily gotten darker.  Today's test was definitive!

Stay tuned for beta numbers on Wednesday.  

xoxo 

Love letter

Hat tip to my friend Eileen for this idea.  I cried when I read her letter written a few days ago and I thought it was time to send a little message to my own embabies as well.  

Dear Embryos,

Today is the fourth day that you have been inside me.  According to the chart I'm following, today is the day you will hatch out of your shell(s) and find a nice cozy place to nest for hopefully the next nine months.  Hopefully.  I watched a Nova episode online yesterday that showed all the amazing steps you will need to take and challenges you will need to overcome (like being attacked by white blood cells) in order to accomplish the not-so-simple task of implantation.  I'm praying that you are strong and healthy enough to do this.  Please, please try your very hardest!

Because I would really like to be your mother.  

We would have an amazing life together, all of us.  We would go on adventures great and small, eating tasty treats along the way and holding hands before we crossed the street.  I would read you books and comb your hair and kiss you until your cheeks are pink from my lipgloss. I would look at you and marvel at how very lucky I am to have such a wondrous child.  And I would tell you a thousand times a day how much I love you.  

How do I know all this?  I know because I am your mother and you have a big brother and I do the very same for him each and every day.  There is nothing I want more in the world than for you to join us as we live our happy, contented life together.  Only your arrival can complete our family.

So please, Sweet Embabies.  Get comfy, nestle in.  I promise that I will be the best parent I know how to be if you do.  

Love,

Mom

Rediscovered favorite past time

I started taking a knitting class back in the spring of 2006.  I was hooked from the very beginning.  I wouldn't say I was naturally great at it, but I really worked at it.  I also had a great teacher with a wicked sense of humor who nicknamed me "big stitch." I wish I was kidding.  For a time, I was obsessed with yarn and needles, buying both in quantity.  I remember asking my best friend if she thought I could live by a certain budget and her response was "It depends if you're going to keep knitting."  Seriously. Obsessed.

After I got pregnant, I found that I didn't have that much time or energy to knit anymore. Poor Piglet had only a measly three hats and one sweater knit by me when he was born.  There's a blanket I've been working on for him since he was conceived. I'm hoping to finish it before he leaves for college.  Even then, no promises.  

The day before our transfer, I took the time to pull out my favorite knitting books along with some of my favorite skeins of yarn.  I wasn't sure what I was going to knit but I knew I wanted to start a new project.  

Last week the receptionist at my clinic did me a huge service by recognizing how important it was to me that Dr. Dreamy do my procedure and it was she that really started the whole ball rolling to correct the situation.  I felt so grateful to her, I've been brainstorming a way to show her my gratitude.  She is expecting her first baby, a little girl, at the end of August.  I thought I might get her a cute outfit at J.anie and Jack or a giftcard to Babies R Us.  

Then I remembered I have the best pattern for the perfect baby hat.  I usually finish it just with a pom pon at the top, but since I have time on my hands, thought I'd try to knit a little flower embellishment.  

Turned out pretty cute, didn't it?  :)  It's not perfect (especially the flowers) so don't look too closely!  It took me less than a day from start to finish and I put it down several times to you know, eat and sleep.  I hope she likes it.  I loved knitting this as a way to show my true gratitude to Chelsea for her help and kindness last week.  

A pain in the...

One of the loveliest parts of IVF and possibly the most notorious are the "butt shots." Also known as intramuscular shots or IMs to infertiles, they are horrendous.  The needles are at a minimum 1.5 inches long and you have to plunge them deep into your tissue.  No amount of icing or Orajel (I have personlly never tried Orajel) is going to take away the sensation of that sharp object being jammed in a "dart-like motion" into your bum.  Tonight Mr. K gave me my fourth butt shot of PIO (progesterone in oil) and it sucked as much as the first one. I literally dread it all day long.  If the effects were short-lasting, that would be okay, but the injection site stays really sore, like a new bruise for many days. 

I already begged Dr. Dreamy to let me use the suppositories instead but he gave me a twinkly blue-eyed smile and said "make it to your beta and then we'll see how things are going." That is ELEVEN DAYS AWAY.  Sigh.

By the way, it should not go unnoticed that I just typed the words "let me" and "suppositories" in one sentence.  IVF makes even the oddest things seem commonplace.  

Other than the shots, I am doing fine.  Lots of twinges and cramps, but they could very well be left over from my egg retrieval or a side effect of the PIO shots.  I'm already jonesing to take an HPT even though I know it is completely ludicrous.  I won't do it yet, but will certainly take one before my beta test.  I like to be prepared, no matter what the news!  

Tomorrow or the next day I should hear how my remaining two embryos are doing or if they arrested. If one or both survived, there's a chance one of the embryos we transferred is doing equally well.  Fingers crossed.  

For my nerdy friends and readers, here is a day-by-day account of what happens to a day three embryo after transfer. "Dpt" means days post transfer.  Today I am two days post transfer.  :)  

1dpt ..embryo is growing and developing
2dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
3dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
4dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
5dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
6dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
7dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
8dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
9dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
10dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
11dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Of course I have the urge to add little boxes next to each of these milestones and tick them off with each passing day.  Just because I am on bedrest does not mean I am less OCD!  

And now we wait.

I want to begin by saying thank you to all of you for all your support over the past few days and especially today - transfer day.  If this works, it will be a triumph for all of us and if it doesn't, I'll know it was not for lack of love and affection from you all, my peeps.  Merci beaucoup!!!

I couldn't sleep at all last night, logging only 2.5 hours between 4-6:30 a.m.  Oddly, I am not that tired. I think all the adrenaline is still pulsing through my veins.  

Mr. K and I arrived at the clinic right on time and my friend and acupuncturist met us there.  While I was having my acupuncture treatment, the embryologist came in to give us the update.  

We had one eight cell, one five cell and three four cell embryos.  They were still growing and dividing. She rated them excellent, fair and the last three, as not great. So she wanted to know how many we wanted to transfer.  With Piglet we transferred four eight cell embryos and we had one baby so she wondered if we might want to transfer the same amount again this time.  

Mr. K and I had agreed to transfer three embryos awhile ago.  But when the embryologist suggested we transfer four again and even my acupuncturist who is normally conservative about this chimed in and agreed, we weren't sure what to do.  

We have always talked about multiples in an abstract way, as in "Oh my gawd, can you I-M-A-G-I-N-E."  

NOT "If we got pregnant with multiples would we reduce, what would we do, how strongly do we each feel about this?"  

As much as the idea of twins puts a lump in my throat, I am a strong believer in whatever will be will be.  I am fortunate that being a mother comes very naturally to me.  It's like breathing.  I was just born to do it.  I love it, live for it.  So while I know that there would be enormous challenges and I worry about how Piglet would be affected, I feel like I'm equal to the challenge if it arises.

What I didn't realize is how strongly Mr. K felt about NOT having multiples, even twins. So of course a debate ensued.  I was in favor of sticking to our original plan of transferring three.  Mr. K was entertaining the idea of waiting until day five and transferring two blasts.  Keep in mind, my embies are picky, they prefer to be with their mother and the last time we tried to go for day five it ended in one poor quality morula and one pre-morula.  Suffice to say, that cycle was not successful.  

I swear the poor embryologist was looking at us like - 

You guys, get your shizzle together already.  I've got your babies growing in a dish for pete's sake.  

Enter Dr. Dreamy.  Part reproductive demi-god and part marriage counselor.  He laid out all the stats for us, told us that yes, twins are definitely a possibility but in order for us to be successful at all, we will need to take a risk with transferring more.  I could tell he was wanting us to transfer three too.  Now we just needed to get Mr. K there as well.  After a few more minutes of discussion, Mr. K got on the "transfer three" wagon too.  The relief in the room was palpable.  When I refused asked nicely if I could please skip the V.alium, Dr. D. suggest we give it to Mr. K instead.  ;)

My poor turtle-like husband, he just needs time to get there, but he eventually does, in his own time.  

Here are our little darlings.  

Nice looking embies, don't you think?

Dr. D. wheeled me into the surgery area and we talked a little about what I was going to do while on bedrest (be awesome, read books, watch Flight of the Conchords - which just happens to be Dr. D's favorite show, we are so BFFs).  Then while we were talking I see the embryologist peek through the window and say to Dr. D. "they are all compacting!" 

It seems that our children already take after their father.  Need a little time to get there, but they eventually do.  

So in the end we transferred three embryos - one ten cell and two six cells, they had grown in the just thirty minutes we took to deliberate. The other two left were still growing and compacting.  I will find out about them in a few days.  

For now, for today, I am delirious with happiness that we got to go through this amazing process to complete our family.  Yes, it is emotional and painful, not to mention incredibly expensive.  But, on the upside, I am healthy, Mr. K is healthy, we are relatively youngish, we already have one darling child as a result of IVF and today, we were lucky enough to complete another cycle which will hopefully bring us one (two?) more.  

So many things can go wrong in an IVF cycle, as you already know.  Cysts pop up, hormone levels are too low, eggs don't mature.  A lot has to go right and very little wrong in order for you to even *get* to the point of transferring embryos.  But, we made it.  Just barely,  But we did.  

There is so much to be grateful for.  So very much.  

P.S. - This post would have been done much sooner but I was busy stuffing my craw with pineapple in between guzzling grape juice.  

It pays to obsess!

Posting from my iPhone again. Man I love this thing.

So I've been obsessing all day about my transfer tomorrow. Playing the "what if" game with myself.
Because, you know, who doesn't love a couple rounds of that *awesome* game.

I kept worrying that we'd get in there tomorrow and they'd put me in the weird little conference room again and tell me that all my embryos arrested. Ugh. Talk about a complete and utter nightmare. Then I got to thinking about my little frozen embie. Piglet's twin. And I decided that if we went in there tomorrow and the worst thing had happened, I would want to thaw that little angel and transfer him/her. I'm a genius! What a hell of a back up plan!

So I called my nurse to tell her about the plan I'd hatched in my head. She was so nice and said we'd have to transfer on day five but sure, no problem. She would let them know.

Not ten minutes later I see the clinic is calling me.

Ugh. I feel a pang in the pit of my stomach.

I answer.

It's the embryologist. I hold my breath.

She says my nurse came back to talk to her about my worries and my wish to thaw our other embie. She wanted to put my mind at ease.

So she peeked. Even though they never peek on day two.

And it is fantastic news.
All six are still growing and looking like really great quality embryos!!!!!!

W00t!!!!!!

Seriously I love my clinic. They are truly patient-focused and so exceptional.

Please send us all your good vibes, thoughts and prayers at 10:00 a.m. PST tomorrow. :)

Until then!

I'm either old or infertile.

I haven't stooped to the level of getting one of those 

M T W TR FR S SD boxes yet, but I'm close.  

Last night I forgot to take two of my pills.  

I'm so used to chasing them with shots and since I had zero shots yesterday (w00t!) it just plumb slipped my failing mind.

Hm.  Maybe I am old AND infertile. 

Would be just my luck.

One more sleep until my transfer.  So excited.  I hope my little darlings are growing away in their little dish.  

Tonight I am going to eat massive amounts of sushi and have one celebratory glass of bubbles.  Go me. :)

Musings on the IVF process and fertilization report

The thing that I love no, fascinates no, drives me completely stark raving mad (YES) about this entire IVF process is that it is science, but it's science with heart.  And in the words of A.nais Nin, "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of, damnit."  Ok, I took the liberty to add that last word.  Sue me.

IVF is full of schedules and protocols and take this, inject that, do it at this EXACT time, ultrasound after ultrasound, and yet it is at the same time, full of the unknown. How will I respond to the meds?  Will this time be different from before? Will my embryos survive until day five? No one ever knows for sure which way it will go.  Not even the doctors.

And the results, if positive, can in many ways, complete your life.  

And the results, if negative, can ruin it.  

That of course, is very black and white. Figures.

In any case, I got the call from the embryologist this morning.  

We have SIX!  

Six out of ten fertilized and are, God-willing, on their way to becoming eight-celled wonders by Saturday.

Six embryos growing in a petrie dish with our name on it.  

And that, my friends is why we call it science with heart.  My heart is on that petrie dish for all the world to see.  

Can't wait for Saturday.  

Lyrical captions

"Oops, I did it again."

"Do you really want to hurt me?"

"If we didn't laugh, we would all go insane."

I made Mr. K (the artist formerly known as DH) wear pink in solidarity.  Matched my custom-made, pink stripey, monogrammed hospital gown.

Oh no, she diiiiinnnn't.

Oh yes, I DID.

The nurses say that no one before (I did this back in '07 too) and no one since has ever brought in their own hospital gown. "You're an original! A legend!" she said.  

Then she said, "Now squeeze the sperm, you're going to get a poke."

And then I said, "Wait.  I thought we were doing IVF."  

Bahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa

Forgive me, it's 4:00 a.m. and I am really, really ridiculous.  

The Dream Team

I'll get to the details of my retrieval in a second, but first I wanted to talk about my RE's clinic.

I love the people at my clinic.  Really and truly.  I wrote about my deep affection for this place and it's peeps a few months back.  You can read that post here.

Today they showed me once again, why they are exceptional and how they have earned my full trust, respect and friendship.  

After the receptionist saw how visibly shaken I was after learning that Dr. Famous and NOT Dr. Dreamy would be doing my retrieval, she apologized profusely that no one had told me of the change in schedule.  

Of course at that point my eyes started to tear up as I tried to explain why it was so important to me that Dr. Dreamy be the one to do the retrieval.  It's not that I didn't believe in Dr. Famous' abilities, he is in fact, a genius, but I have worked my entire schedule around Dr. Dreamy doing this procedure.  If he had missed every other step but was there for this one, I would still be OK with it.  For me, the retrieval is the most delicate, key piece of this entire process.  

At that point the receptionist told me she was going to email the nursing staff about this.  Then I heard murmurs of "call Dr. D" and "just tell him about the situation."  

Next thing I know, I hear the receptionist on the phone with Dr. Dreamy and after she hangs up with him, she peeks over to me and says "We made it right. Dr. Dreamy is going to come in and do your retrieval."  

And then I started crying again.  

Next, my favorite "back of the house" nurse came to get me and told me that they were all so excited to be there for me and knew that it would NOT fly not having Dr. D do my retrieval.  One nurse even told me she saw it on the chart this morning and had already started raising hell about it.  So all forces were working in my favor! They know me back there and they like me too, which helps. :)  Apparently Dr. Dreamy had wanted to do my retrieval but there are some office politics about it and he didn't want to step on Dr. Famous' toes.  That Dreamy, so polite!  

Anyway, so I had my Dream Team there with me and I felt so happy and at ease.  I could not have asked for more.  

And now for the other big news - my retrieval numbers!!!  

WE GOT TEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

TEN PLUMPY EGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

GIMPY and LAZY MADE ME TEN GOOD ONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And now we wait for the call from the embryologist tomorrow about how many eggs fertilized.  

What a crazy, emotional and wonderful day it's been.  Thanks for your support everyone!!!!  I can feel it pulsing through the air and it is amazing.  YOU are all amazing. 

xoxo

PS - Feeling crampy and sore post-retrieval but took my Tylenol and going to take a snooze while dh watches the Piglet for the day.  I'm a lucky girl.

Curveball

Never posted from my phone before but I thought I had to. I'm sitting in the waiting room crying right now.
Why?

Probably a silly reason. But. Still.

So I can't post the link to it but way back when I had just learned of my cyst returning, I was debating about the timing of my cycle.

All of it hinged on Dr. Dreamy's schedule. I could've proceeded with another RE but I have such a good relationship with Dr. D that I chose to risk my cyst and wait until now. All because I wanted no NEEDED Dr. D to do my retrieval.

It was a given, right?

I just walked in to discover that Dr. Famous will be doing my retrieval.

Hence the crying. I have never shed one tear in this office before.

Dr. Famous is amazing, truly. But he's not my dr. He doesn't know me. He doesn't know how difficult my retrievals can be and he isn't as vested.

I was not prepared for this curveball. I friggin' hate surprises.

That's right.

It's what you think it is.  

THE squeezie thing.  Not just any squeezie, but THE squeezie.

No I did not steal it, but I told the phlebotomist I was going to.  I told her you all were egging me on to do it. 

So she said, "you can just have it."

And then she said "Wait, here's a new one. Take this one."

And so I did.  I could not believe my good fortune!

Then I left and took this triumphant picture of myself in the stairwell.

I had to hurry in case someone realized what had just transpired and came after me saying "excuse me, but please return the giant sperm to our office."

My expression is fierce, isn't it?  I am not looking great, but a fierce face can carry you a long way.

It's hard to take a self-portrait with an iPhone but this moment had to be captured for all time.  

Good thing I had the place all to myself or I might've had some 'splainin' to do.  

T-Minus 14 hours until my egg retrieval tomorrow.  

I've got my squeezie and I'm ready.

Bring it. *****UPDATED*****

****UPDATE*****

Just got the call. My E2 levels were great at 2070 so we are pulling the trigger tonight at 9:00!  Go in tomorrow for a blood draw to confirm I triggered (because there was suspicion I did not trigger my first cycle). Retrieval at 8:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning.  Omg, I am so nervous.  I think I might hurl.  Eeeeeek!  

I had another appointment this morning.  I told Dr. Dreamy we really had to stop meeting like this.  He laughed and put a soothing hand on my shoulder.  

{insert schoolgirl sigh}  

My follicle counts look pretty good.  Not great in comparison to my last two cycles, but for this one, pretty good.  I've had to adjust my outlook.  It's a good thing.  

So today I had five follies measuring between 20-22.  The other ten were between 14-17. We're in a bit of a pickle because the five that are ready are *really* ready.  If we coast one more day on stims to get the other ten to plump up, we risk the five that are "plumpier" (Dr. B coined that term and yes it is extremely technical) being "overcooked."  Get it?  

As of this moment, I am scheduled to trigger TONIGHT at 9:00 (right in the middle of The Bachelorette FINALE, how inconsiderate)!  Dr. D wants to take a look at my hormone levels, talk to the other REs in the practice to see what they think and then let me know for sure later today.  

I bet that I trigger tonight.  My E2 levels have been steadily rising and I bet they are just about right today. I will update this once I hear from them, which should be in couple hours.  

I say BRING IT.

Mama is READY.  

In preparation of my trigger, retrieval and transfer, I went out and got the necessary provisions.  Not an IFer and don't know what the hell is up with the pineapple and grape juice?  Read about it here and here.  Probably old wive's tales but can't hurt, right?  I ate tons of pineapple the weeks before I got pregnant with Piglet and look where that got us.  :)  

Stay tuned...

Inch by inch

Actually, it's millimeter by millimeter, but who's counting?

 

Oh wait.  

I am. 

Today's check-in was another meh.  Not great, not terrible.  We are slooooowly getting there. Dr. Dreamy counted ten on the left side, measuring between 11.5-18 and five on the right side, measuring between 8.5-14 with one big one measuring 17.  They like to retrieve when all follies are between 18-20mm.  At a bare minimum, they will retrieve if there are three in that range.  I will have that, but I really need more to have a chance at success.  If I had easy retrievals and knew that these counts and measurements actually represented what would be retrieved next week, I would be happy, very happy, with these numbers. However, I have extremely difficult retrievals, the kind that have Dr. D. stressed and worried to the point that he doesn't even want to talk about transfer until after we have crossed the retrieval hurdle so...there you have it.  On the upside, my E2 (estrogen) numbers are rising in a nice, steady, predictable way.  Today it was 1108.  I realize that means nothing to many of you, but to Dr. Dreamy and to me, it means that my body is responding to the meds.  A very good sign.  

Deep, deep down, I have a feeling all this will be okay.  I have a feeling that my retrieval, while not record-breaking will go alright and will yield *some* eggs to make into embryos.  Maybe not in the double digits, but SOME.  Over the past few days, my dh has been reminding me that "it only takes one."  And he's right.  So very right.  Just one will do the trick.  

I'm beginning to talk myself down from the "bummerness" (I am so copyrighting that word) that has permeated the last few days and letting myself get excited about the upcoming week.  Because folks, it's a BIGGIE.  

I go in again on Monday to see Dr. D for another check-in (btw, he called me 'young lady' today and I am positive I blushed.).  The nurse said that I would probably trigger on Monday or Tuesday (my bet is Tuesday) and then 36 hours later (Thursday) I will have my retrieval.  Three days after that we will do our embryo transfer.  

OH MY DEAR GOD.  

Our embryo transfer is a week away.  

In one week I will be PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise.  

And that is devastatingly exciting.

How (in)appropriate!

Today at my blood draw, I as always, reminded the phlebotomist that I have very fine veins, so would she pretty please use a butterfly on me. Then I asked for the squeezie thing because I like to have something to grip.  In the past I've been handed an assortment of different shapes - a globe, pancreas, golf ball, etc.  Today, she says to me, "Sorry, my globe disappeared, so all I have is THIS"  and thrusts this white thing into my hand. It took me a second to realize what it was.

I almost cried I laughed so hard. In fact, I may have cried. Who knows these days. Then I announced that I had to take a picture of it to post on my blog and possibly Facebook.  She humored me but I think she thought I was a little nutz-o. I probably am, but what the hell. I am positive the people on the other side of the wall were wondering what I could POSSIBLY need a picture of from the blood draw station!

Laugh WITH me!  You know you want to! 

Channeling my inner turtle. ***Updated***

So far this has been my morning:

Say out loud three times in a row. "Slow and steady wins the race."

Breath deeply.

Rinse.

Repeat.

My appointment today. Meh. There was some progress but my numbers are well behind where they were two years ago. Even Dr. Dreamy commented on it. I heard him let out a LOUD SIGH while doing my follie count on the right side. Bugger. My lazy right ovary perked up a little, he counted five follicles measuring between 8.5-14.5. Left side counts were 11 between 11.5-15. So we are slooooooowly making progress, but anyone that knows me knows I am not a patient person.

Usually I want it and I want it now.

I don't expect anyone to go GET it for me, perfectly happy to go fetch it myself, but waiting is not my strong suit.

Excuse me while I repeat my mantra again.

{Slow and steady wins the race}
{Slow and steady wins the race}
{Slow and steady wins the race}

Deep breath.

Sorry. Where was I? Oh. I am now waiting for a call from my nurse to report my estrogen levels for today. On a positive note, my lining is rockstar worthy again. 8.5 with a triple pattern. Now *that's*more my speed.

Will post an update if there are any changes to my meds...if my E2 levels are still a little low, Dr. D might up one of my doses again. Sigh.

*******UPDATE*******

My estrogen (E2) levels did rise to 690 in normal range, but they are still increasing my meds. I will now be on the maximum dose of one of my meds. Suuuuuuuuper. I go in on Saturday morning bright and early at 7:45 for another check.  It looks like my retrieval will be on 7/30 and transfer on 8/1.  It will be here before I know it, I just hope these follies grow a TON in the meantime!

The wisdom of Dr. Seuss

Every night I read Piglet somewhere between three and six books before bedtime.  I know, I spoil him. :) At least one of those books is always a Dr. Seuss book and if I get to choose, it's always "Oh the Places You'll Go."  I've read it so often, I very nearly have it memorized.  

Tonight as I read each page, one verse stood out to me:

I'm afraid that some times

You'll play lonely games too

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you.

I'm must say that I very much feel like I'm engaged in a competition with myself. And I hate it.  This whole IVF process has been much more emotional than I had anticipated. I'm a bit of a wreck.  Yes it could be the meds, but it certainly feels like authentic emotion.  

Today I had my first appointment since starting my stims.  Originally I had expected to have lost some ground since my last cycle was over two years ago.  But then things were going so well, just the same as last time...so I let myself believe that all would go just as before.  

My left (gimpy) ovary continues to be the absolute work horse, producing 11 follicles that are growing beautifully, all measuring between 7.5-8.5. Perfect.  My right (normal) ovary is lagging behind.  Dr. Dreamy had a hard time even seeing the follicles and the five that he was able to see are not growing appropriately, measuring only between 4.5-5.5  Now I know that 16 sounds like a lot of eggs.  And it is.  But I have infamously difficult retrievals and my embryo quality can be only so-so, so it is all about numbers for us.  Of 16 mature follicles, Dr. Dreamy might only be able to successfully retrieve 9-10.  Of those, only eight might fertilize and of those only three might make it to day three, leaving us with none to freeze. And that's the GOOD scenario I'm running through my head.

Because of my lagging ovary and lower-than-before E2 levels, Dr. Dreamy has DOUBLED my meds. You heard me.  FUN X TWO.  And let me tell you, that is going to do WONDERS for my bruises. I can't quite figure out why I am so down about this turn of events, but I think it is mainly because I am in this fierce competition with myself to at least TIE with my last performance.  

Ridiculous.

I know. 

This game is most definitely a game I cannot win.  Dr. Seuss certainly knows his audience.

Anyway, I go in again on Thursday for another follie check and I am praying that my numbers will rise by then.  Until then, back in the saddle, extra shots, more hormones. Oh the places I'll go!  

Another one of these will make all this worth it, right?  

P.S. - Dr. Dreamy and the nurse both gasped when they saw my bruised belly.  Dr. D. even asked to see it again he could not believe it was so bad.  

P.P.S. - You all know I was JOKING about the I heart IVF t-shirt right?  Puh-leeze!