Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The wisdom of Dr. Seuss


Every night I read Piglet somewhere between three and six books before bedtime.  I know, I spoil him. :) At least one of those books is always a Dr. Seuss book and if I get to choose, it's always "Oh the Places You'll Go."  I've read it so often, I very nearly have it memorized.  

Tonight as I read each page, one verse stood out to me:

I'm afraid that some times
You'll play lonely games too
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

I'm must say that I very much feel like I'm engaged in a competition with myself. And I hate it.  This whole IVF process has been much more emotional than I had anticipated. I'm a bit of a wreck.  Yes it could be the meds, but it certainly feels like authentic emotion.  

Today I had my first appointment since starting my stims.  Originally I had expected to have lost some ground since my last cycle was over two years ago.  But then things were going so well, just the same as last time...so I let myself believe that all would go just as before.  

My left (gimpy) ovary continues to be the absolute work horse, producing 11 follicles that are growing beautifully, all measuring between 7.5-8.5. Perfect.  My right (normal) ovary is lagging behind.  Dr. Dreamy had a hard time even seeing the follicles and the five that he was able to see are not growing appropriately, measuring only between 4.5-5.5  Now I know that 16 sounds like a lot of eggs.  And it is.  But I have infamously difficult retrievals and my embryo quality can be only so-so, so it is all about numbers for us.  Of 16 mature follicles, Dr. Dreamy might only be able to successfully retrieve 9-10.  Of those, only eight might fertilize and of those only three might make it to day three, leaving us with none to freeze. And that's the GOOD scenario I'm running through my head.

Because of my lagging ovary and lower-than-before E2 levels, Dr. Dreamy has DOUBLED my meds. You heard me.  FUN X TWO.  And let me tell you, that is going to do WONDERS for my bruises. I can't quite figure out why I am so down about this turn of events, but I think it is mainly because I am in this fierce competition with myself to at least TIE with my last performance.  

Ridiculous.

I know. 

This game is most definitely a game I cannot win.  Dr. Seuss certainly knows his audience.

Anyway, I go in again on Thursday for another follie check and I am praying that my numbers will rise by then.  Until then, back in the saddle, extra shots, more hormones. Oh the places I'll go!  

Another one of these will make all this worth it, right?  


P.S. - Dr. Dreamy and the nurse both gasped when they saw my bruised belly.  Dr. D. even asked to see it again he could not believe it was so bad.  

P.P.S. - You all know I was JOKING about the I heart IVF t-shirt right?  Puh-leeze!

11 comments:

Eileen said...

I can totally relate to the bruising. I'm a red head with really pale skin and bruise even if someone just touches me wrong. So these shots are leaving me black and blue. I feel your pain. But it will all be worth it in the end because we WILL get our BFPs from this cycle and we WILL take home our sticky babies ;-).

Eileen said...

Maybe we should buy this shirt:
http://shop.cafepress.com/design/2488196
It would be a lot easier than bedazzling one ;-).

Meredith said...

Hang in there! I think they only retrieved 6 eggs when I did my cycle. Remember, you only need one! ;) Hugs!

Jamie said...

It sounds like a great appointment! You'll get there! :)

I had one ovary that was always a slacker too. I'm not sure why??

Hang in there. When is the estimated date of retrieval?

Jen Schulte said...

God will never give you more than you can handle. I'm praying you will get through this, emotions and all, and be blessed with another beautiful child.

Cameron said...

It will all be worth it!! Thinking of you. :) {{HUGS!}}

Carrie said...

I am so sorry your ovary is lagging. I called my Lazy Lefty since it was always a bit slower to get going. I know how hard one cycle was and I am SURE that doing it all over again with more meds is unbelievable. Please hang in there... 'cause we all know it is worth it, but the getting there is so hard.

Thinking good thoughts for you and your blue belly.

Hugs,
Carrie

Jamie Lee Blanchat said...

M,

You are an amazing person for going through all of this, but you have living proof of why it's worth it. Piglet is so precious and you are so lucky to have the family that you have. God Bless you and know that I say a fertility prayer for you every night.

Jamie Blanchat

Sarah said...

Thinking and praying for you MVK. Sorry about the bruises and extra meds. Don't be hard on yourself, just get through one day at a time. You're my hero!
xo

KARMINA said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Susan

http://ovarianpain.net

Katell, Javier et Aitana said...

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
...
On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
...
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!