For future reference

Someone said I should write down all the things that I have been through during this pregnancy so that I can someday hold it over the twins when they're older.

I say, why wait until they're older?

Besides when they're here and I'm all "Oh you are so freaking cute, I want to eat you up!" all of this will be forgotten. Maybe. Possibly. Probably not, but I'll be extremely inclined to forgive them rather quickly.

And again, because of the whole, you know, infertile thing, I feel compelled to say once more, this list in no way means that I am not bottom-of-my-heart-tear-in-my-beer grateful every single day for the opportunity to become a mother again. Love my Twinks.

But, boy have they wreaked some havoc over the past 252 days.

So without further adieu, and just in case we aren't friends on Facebook and you haven't heard me bitch and moan on there, I present to you, my list of twin pregnancy woes:

• The puking. Oh my I shouldn't have had that good gravy, the puking. It started at 6w3d and subsided (notice I didn't say STOPPED) at around 33w3d. So a good SEVEN months of throwing up roughly 8-10 times a day. And in the middle there, more like 12-15. I had the broken blood vessels in my face and empty Zofran boxes to prove it. I am now an expert at the grab-plastic-bag-from-passenger-seat-tuck-into-shirt-in-order-to-puke-while-driving maneuver.

• Pubic symphysis. Sounds scary because it is. Scary painful. Scary "remedy." Scary scary scary!

• Insomnia. Am writing this blog entry during one of my 252 out of 252 bouts of being awake at 3:00 a.m. And all that earnest talk about how this is preparing me for many many nights of no sleep is total crap! I don't require a lot of sleep to function, five to six hours would actually do quite nicely, but two to five broken up into one or two hours for 8.5 months while growing two babies is, well, just cruel.

• PUPPPs, aka Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy. I have been scratching myself until I have tiny blisters and scabs all over my body for about eight weeks now. Nothing has helped, not steroid cream or ointment or even a round of P.rednisone. Of all my pregnancy woes, this one has been my greatest. It is just MISERY. Apparently my only hope is that I'll be cured the second the babies are born. A girl can dream.

• Contractions. Started when I was about 20 weeks and have gotten stronger and more frequent the farther along I get. And these mothers do not kid around. Sometimes I even have to use breathing techniques to remind myself to keep breathing. I think the Universe deemed that since I'm having a c-section this time, I should still be able to experience the lovely pain of childbirth. You know, just in case I've FORGOTTEN since last time.

• Back pain, sciatic pain and hip pain, oh my! Not being able to take Ibuprofen has been brutal, especially on days when I am crippled by my lower back pain. However, I was able to seek some solace in Therma.care heating pads, that is until the itching started and wearing a heating pad became akin to just dousing myself in kerosene and lighting a match. Because that's so fun you know.

• To conclude my list I was going to write down all the tests, shots, blood draws and other lovely hoops I've jumped through before and during this pregnancy, but instead, I'll just say that it has all been worth it. Yes, even the pee jug test. The below jug was my BFF for a full 24 hours. Jealous? Obvi.

So...one more day as a family of three until the Twinks join us. For all of the above reasons and so many more.

I

just

can't

wait.