It all adds up.

Mr. K and I have been a little under the weather for the past week. We had the same symptoms, which of course means I was congested and had a headache and Mr. K asked me to have the priest come administer last rites.

Twice.

And he isn't even Catholic.

Apparently being on the brink of death makes him religious.

Anyway, this means we have been laying low as much as we can with three children under the age of three. Translation: the tv has been on for good chunks of the day for several days.

Give me a break! We were sick! (cough cough cough, gag, spit, rinse, repeat)

Lately Piglet has been asking for a lot of Curious George and as a result, we've all been wanting to off ourselves enjoying a lot of "e e e e ahh ahh ahh" sounds along with dialogue from The Man with the Yellow Hat.

Today OUR dialogue went something like this:

Mr. K: Oh my. He had the train conductor over...

Me: Who?

Mr. K: The Man with the Yellow Hat!

Me: Oh, for dinner?

Mr. K: Yes, or something... perhaps a little wine? Some slow dancing?

Me: OMG. You think The Man with the Yellow Hat is gay?

Mr. K: I'm just calling it like I see it. His clothes always match, they even match his car (!), he lives in the city but has a country house, he has an exotic animal as a pet and the clincher -- he has box seats to the symphony.

Me: This is a new low. We are now analyzing a cartoon and the main character only communicates by grunting.

Mr. K: Darling! I'm in a weakened state! (cough cough cough)

When he couldn't take it anymore, Mr. K took the time to go to URGENT CARE (because he doesn't like his primary). A few hours later I got a text from him that said.

"Sinus infection! They say I'm lucky to be alive!"

To which I responded "Should I call priest? Again? Also, be sure to stop by my mom's and see Piglet one last time."

As you can see, having three children under the age of three has sapped me of all sympathy. Even for something as serious as a raging sinus infection.

The one you've been waiting for.

So, Father's Day was fast-approaching and though I wracked my (addled, sleep-deprived) brain, I was at a loss for inspiration.

Afterall, how would I *ever* top the Mother's Day gift(s) I'd been given this year? I mean, REALLY. How does one top that? I was faced with a mind bender.

During the week leading up to Father's Day (hereafter referred to as F.D.), I looked to my children for inspiration. Dems cute, dems full of ideas (especially that wiley two year-old) and dems who I spend most of my waking hours with. In between the shrieking (Piglet), spitting up (Twinks) and meltdowns (ALL), I searched for the perfect idea, but remained at a loss.

That is, until the morning before F.D.

I thought I'd capture Piglet on video giving a little tribute to his old man. You know, a little improv plus some "I wuv you daddyyyyy!" or "Appy Ather's Day Daddyyyy!"

Instead, I got this:

Pure genius! Just the inspiration I was seeking! My Piglet is such a clever little boffin.

So on this momentous occasion, Mr. K's first Father's Day with THREE children, I presented him with this:

Note that I sprung for the Ultra, Double Roll, jumbo pack with NEW Cotton Comfort. So posh!

And this:

Sorry for the poor quality, off-center picture, but hopefully you can at least make out the text.

Because we are all for saving trees, I went with a punchcard format instead of individual coupons. Next, I'm going to laminate it!

I also want to give a shout-out to all my hilarious FB friends who egged me on and suggested coupons for things such as nail trims, shaving cream and toilet scrubbing! Bahahahahaha.

Lest you think I am all about revenge and grudge holding (though you are mostly correct), let the record show that I did surprise Mr. K by booking him a 90 minute massage this morning.

Afterall, SOMEONE has got to lead by example around here. Before he departed for his massage, I reminded Mr. K. that this was not only a gift but ALSO a TEACHABLE MOMENT. As in -- I'm trying to teach you how NOT to screw me on Mother's Day again.

Because if you do, I guarantee you, your next F.D. will most *certainly* be more of an F.U.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY HONEY!!! THANKS FOR BEING AN AMAZING DAD TO OUR PIGLETS! LOVE YOU! MMMMMMMMWAH.

Caveat emptor

In case you haven't bought a house or brushed up on your latin lately, caveat emptor means "buyer beware."  Recently, dh decided his wardrobe needed a little infusion of geek chic and he implored me to help him with this task. I love to shop (duh), so of course I didn't bat a (measly, straight, asian) eyelash.  I am not only equal to, but larger than the task at hand.  How fun!  I get to buy my husband clothes and I don't even need to sneak them into his closet for him to "discover" randomly and think it's been there for months! Visions of Facconnable and Banana Republic and Ben Sherman danced in my head.  I would not call myself the consummate bargain shopper, but I rarely pay full price, so I headed to Nordstrom Rack first. Next I went to Banana Republic, but their selection of sale merchandise was woefully lacking, so in what I thought was a stroke of genius, I turned to - eBay!  I'd had good luck there before in terms of men's shirts.  Plus, Banana Republic has very reliable sizing, so I knew that would be no problem. 

I found several shirts that I thought would suit my dh and was delighted when I was the successful bidder on most of them. Every few days one would arrive in the mail and I would show off my "finds" to dh when he came home from work.  He'd say "good work babe, I LOVE these shirts!" And I'd beam and say "And babe, they were only $25 each!" All the shirts came pinned and pressed because I only buy my baby things that are NWT (new with tags).  Momma doesn't skimp just because she buys on eBay.  ;)  

One morning, dh called to me from our closet.  I was in the nursery chasing a diaperless Piglet around.  

Dh: Babe?  Hey, um, babe?

Me: Yep?  I'm trying to put a diaper on the Piglet!  Piglet, come here!!! 

Dh: Um, babe, can you come here for a minute? 

Me: Argh, just a second!  I am trying to put a diaper on your child.  Crap, he just peed on the rug.  {Then I stomped over to our bedroom. Walked in to find dh wearing one of the new green striped shirts I bought him on eBay.}  WHAT?  What do you need?

Dh: Um, I'm sorry to drag you over here, but I wasn't sure...is THIS supposed to be on the back? {Spins around} 

Me: {Fall on the floor laughing.}  OMG!  I didn't know that was on there!!!  

Dh: And is it supposed to be off-center?!  

Me: {Crying now I am laughing so hard.}

SO, the moral here is buyer beware!  If you buy your husband a shirt on eBay, make sure you take a gander at the back AND the front!  Otherwise, you might send your husband to work wearing a shirt bearing a large, off-center crest topped with a triumphant antelope(?) on the back.  If I hadn't been around, I swear dh would've innocently worn it in, thinking he was a cool kid now.  

A funny Friday night

Dh and I fell in love while laughing.  Usually at each other.  Sometimes at other people. We are always up for something if we think it's going to be funny.  We heard Jerry Seinfeld was coming back to town so of course we got tickets.  We saw him the last time he came (about three years ago) and we laughed so hard our cheeks hurt.  This time was no different.  

At the end of the show, Jerry (we're on a first name basis) came out and did a short Q & A.  One of the questions asked was if he would ever do another television show.  This was his (hilarious) response: "You know, the answer is no.  You know why?  because I'm old and tired and rich.  (hahahahaha!) I told you I have three kids.  Every morning we watch Elmo together.  And you know what - I LIKE Elmo.  I think he's entertaining and people enjoy him.  I watch him and I think to myself  - 'let him work his little red ass off.  I'm done.'"  

How FUNNY is that?!  

We've decided that EVERY time Jerry comes to town, we're going.  Laughing non-stop for 90 minutes is definitely good for us.  It reminded us of when we first met and everything was all rainbows and sunshine and laughter 24/7.  The night caps afterwards were a good idea at the time, maybe not so good the morning after, but who cares?  It was totally worth it. What can top laughter and love?  Ah yes, the sleeping Piglet we came home to that night.  

On a lighter note...

You may remember that I LOVE pop culture (read: trashy) magazines.  Since I was down about my cyst, etc. and dh was traveling this week, I woke up this morning to find these on my nightstand.

To cheer me up, my dh stopped at the airport newsstand at 1:00 a.m. to buy me every tabloid available before dragging his exhausted self home. Now THAT'S love!! (Nevermind that I subscribe to US Weekly...it's the thought).

And this is the conversation we had this morning while perusing them:

DH: So how long has 'Jon and Kate' been on?

Me: Um, I think this is the fifth season. 

DH: And they get paid $75K per every episode?!  

Me: Yep.  And last season there were 41 episodes!

DH: That's about about $3 million dollars!!! (He did the math in his head in about two seconds, so I don't know if it's accurate, but that's what he said).  

Me: I know.  And that's just ONE season!

DH: What?!  She wouldn't touch her bleeding child during a press thing?

Me: Apparently not. Isn't that messed up?

DH: And they're going to talk about all this infidelity crap on the show?

Me: That's what it looked like on the trailer!

DH: (Moving on to a different magazine, and then says earnestly)   

Wait.  Who are the Gosselins?  

Bahahahahaaaa!!!!!  I love my husband.  He is so disarmingly clueless, but brilliant.

Heard around the house...

I am a slave to pop culture magazines.  I even subscribe to them. 

I know.

Most people buy them as a "vacation treat" but after I had Piglet I decided reading these trashy magazines was as close I might come to lounging by the pool for awhile, so I bit the bullet.  

Come on, you know you totally scan them as you're waiting in line at the grocery store...

Every Friday I anxiously await the mail because I know my US Weekly will be somewhere in the pile of envelopes and catalogs.  And it never disappoints.  

Sometimes I randomly read things aloud while flipping through my magazines.  Sometimes dh tries to interpret what I'm saying.  It gets pretty funny.  Here's our dialogue from yesterday. 

Me: Hm.  Winged eyeliner is out.  It apparently tries too hard which is not in line with the season.

Dh: Wind gliders?

Me: WI-NGED EYE-LI-NER. 

Dh: Winged gliders don't stand in line?

Me: Nicole Ritchie's winged eyeliner is out of style.

Dh: Nicole Ritchie has a wind glider?  Isn't she pregnant?

Bahahahahahahaha!

Be mine.

In honor of the upcoming PINK and RED holiday, I thought I'd post a picture of my sweethearts. No other reason really, other than they're MINE. So there.

This is funny.

On our way to the hospital at the crack of dawn, there was a TON of dense fog.  I thought you all might find the conversation dh and I had amusing.

dh: Wow, I can't believe how thick the fog is.  I can barely see anything!

me: I know, it's crazy.  Hm, this must be what it's like to live in your brain every day.

dh: Bahahahahahaaa.  That reminds me - don't die.

me: Don't die?

dh: Yes, because if you die it'll be like having my seeing eye dog die.  

me: Bahhahahahahahaaaaaaa! (If I would've been allowed to have something to drink, it would've come out my nose I laughed so hard!)

At least we know how to have a good laugh at our own expense even when we're stressed and worried.  It's the little things that get you through the tough times.  Happy Superbowl Sunday everyone!

Heard around the house... :)

Me to DH: Babe, when I plug my Mac charger into the power strip downstairs, it throws a spark.

DH to Me: What do you mean?

Me: You know, a blue spark comes out by the metal part of the plug.  Should it do that?

DH: Well yes darling, that's what Mr. Electricity does...

Me: Leave me alone.  I sleep three hours a night.  

Side note: I hope the resemblance doesn't end with the argyle and that Piglet inherits his dad's matter-of-fact, smart-ass sense of humor.  :)