Flashbacks

I've written about this before -- about feeling betwixt and between the world of mommies and playdates and picky eaters and the world of infertility - the world of needles and FSH numbers and slow rising betas. Every year around Christmas time I find myself flashing back to my first IVF cycle.

I remember it all so clearly. The day the giant box of meds arrived and how I excitedly rifled through it like it had come from J Crew and not a fertility pharmacy. Decorating the tree and imagining next year, hanging a sterling silver ornament with our baby's face displayed inside it, adding a stocking to the mantle. I remember all those hours spent hoping, imagining, praying for a miracle. Praying for us to be one of the lucky ones to have our first IVF cycle work.

And then I remember all the first negative home pregnancy tests, thinking that it was probably just too early, the nurse's deflated voice when she called to deliver the news that it hadn't worked. I wasn't pregnant. Not even a little. I remember the swirl of pain and emotions I felt. The heartfelt email from my friend and acupuncturist who wrote "This isn't your fault. I have never had a patient more dedicated and willing to do any and everything it takes to have a successful cycle. It isn't your fault NOT AT ALL."

It was so painful. The ache I felt inside as I watched my sister and sister-in-law with their one month old babies, wondering if I would ever experience being a mother. Trying to convince myself that even if it never worked, I would be ok. Knowing that I was just lying to myself. Always feeling like I was on the verge of tears or a complete breakdown. It was the hardest period of my life.

Even now, nearly three years after that first failed cycle, I can't shake all those swirling emotions. Even with a Piglet asking me to pick him up every two minutes and making preparations to bring home two more babies, the fear that I might not have gotten here, to this place, makes me shudder. I am grateful, so grateful that I am a mother. It is all that I imagined it would be and much more.

My greatest wish this Christmas is that all my friends suffering through infertility, fearful of the unknown, will be able to meet me here, in this place and never, ever look back.