Questioning perfection...

I've been following a lot of infertility/IVF blogs lately, reconnecting to that whole community as our next IVF cycle approaches.  It's been wonderful and heartbreaking all at the same time.  One gal posted this funny you.tube video of a song called "Pregnant Women are Smug."  I watched it and cracked up about the lyrics, understanding how someone suffering through IF would find it especially hilarious. Then my last post was all about sunny days and families and cute babies. This morning as I wait and pray for positive results for Josee, I wonder - was I a smug pregnant woman even though I went through SO much to get there?  Was my last post cruel to my IF friends who haven't yet had success?  Have I crossed over to the land of the smug?  

Though I certainly still would have enjoyed a sunny evening in the park, drinking wine and eating cheese with friends with or without a baby, having a tot of my own to chase around and compare notes about, and capture on film with the other babies - of course that made everything...perfect.  Maybe too perfect for someone reading who is trying to decide whether to take an HPT or just got negative beta results.  Too perfect and too painful.  I get that. I've been there.  I know.  

Suffering through infertility changes you, hardens you, bonds you.  And even once you succeed and you bring a baby home to love, you never forget the pain of the unknown. You never take parenthood for granted (though we still have our challenging days and moments).  And this is not to say people who have no problem getting pregnant DO take it for granted.  It's not that at all.  It's just that IF sufferers question our happiness more.  We might wonder if posting the picture of our child on Mother's Day will bring a friend pain.  We might question whether we should invite someone to our baby shower or ask her to weigh in about what our child should be for Halloween.  

With infertility, having been there and actually BEING there are two very different places. Right now I'm betwixt and between because while I did cross over, I am gearing up to start all over again, already facing a litany of challenges.  Still, I know I'm one of the lucky ones.  I saw two lines, sat in a waiting room while rubbing my large belly and wake up every morning to a healthy, smiling baby.  I wish with all my heart, the same thing for everyone who suffers from infertility.  I want you to cross over too.  Then everything would really be...perfect.