Oh Reality, surely you jest.

Okay. Where did we leave off?

Oh I KNOW.

I was about to embark on a sunny, dream vacation to celebrate my 20th friendaversary with my BFF.

And let me tell you, it was awesome! The best part? We discovered that we are perfect travel companions. Which is HUGE. You know how sometimes you are great friends with someone and then you go on vacation with them and you suddenly discover 1,000 annoying little things about each other that have you calling your spouse from the bathroom saying "OMG! She pouted all morning because we didn't go out to breakfast!" or "She spends all her time on the phone! I might as well be on this trip alone!"

Not with Jess. Not for one second did we get on each others' nerves or bicker or have a moment of tension. Miraculously, we seemed to be in sync for the entirety of our trip. No small feat! I think that this is due in large part to the fact that we both fundamentally believe that vacation has three finite goals: lounge, eat, and shop. Oh and also because we were drunk most of the time.

KIDDING! (not really)

It helps too that we share the same twisted sense of humor where even a CONVERSATION about the SkyMall catalog can send us into a crying fit of laughter. Meaning, there was no actual catalog on the plane, but just TALKING about it made our shoulders shake and eyes tear up because YES, a standing pig wearing a chef's hat and apron while holding a chalkboard is *that* funny.

Conclusion: we are ridiculous.

I could regale you with many tales from our trip, but perhaps the most memorable was our evening spent with the troubadour Paul who insisted on serenading us TABLESIDE whilst staring deeply into our eyes (Jess' were intermittently averted by the very arduous task of cutting asparagus). My strategy was to think of the most unfunny things possible, you know -- dead bunnies and JESUS ON THE CROSS.

Seriously. The whole evening was complete hilarity. Oh, One-Man-Show Paul with your Mark Cohn and Bruce Hornsby, you made our evening one of the funniest in TWENTY YEARS, for this we thank you.

If you're wondering how Mr. K fared, he was a superstar. I got texts all day long with photos and videos of happy piglets. He had a marvelous time with the whole Mr. Mom gig. In fact, he was so effusive about the whole experience, he had me wondering if perhaps he was enjoying my absence TOO much. When asked what made single parenting so fun for him Mr. K replied "I think it was being able to do whatever I wanted with the kids. I could even dress them in stuff that didn't really match!"

You'll excuse me now as I clean up the mess because MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED.

Ahem.

Jess and I returned in the evening around 7:00 p.m. and to say I hit the ground running would be an understatement. I no sooner set down my bags then it was "Juice! I need juice!" and "the babies need to eat!" My first full day after vacation went something like this:

9:00 a.m. - Playdate

11:00 a.m. - prepare trio for dr. visit and shots

12:30 p.m. - leave for dr.

2:45 p.m. - return home from dr. visit (during which the nurse started fanning me with the Twinks' charts because things got so crazy)

3:00 p.m. - drop off prescriptions at the pharmacy

3:30 p.m. - pick up dog from groomer due to "anal gland issues"

4:00 p.m. - take dog to vet for above mentioned problems

5:00 p.m. - return to pharmacy and pick up prescriptions

5:30 p.m. - make dinner, feed kids

6:00 p.m. - bathe babies

6:30 p.m. - last feed for babies

7:00 p.m. - bath for Piglet

7:30-10:00 p.m. - replace binkies, soothe babies, put Piglet to bed, clean kitchen, pick up house

Now how's that for a strong dose of reality?

Did I mention we had our own pool and 3,000 sq feet to frolic in just the two of us?

There's no such thing as a gradual re-entry when you are a mother!