Oh Reality, surely you jest.

Okay. Where did we leave off?

Oh I KNOW.

I was about to embark on a sunny, dream vacation to celebrate my 20th friendaversary with my BFF.

And let me tell you, it was awesome! The best part? We discovered that we are perfect travel companions. Which is HUGE. You know how sometimes you are great friends with someone and then you go on vacation with them and you suddenly discover 1,000 annoying little things about each other that have you calling your spouse from the bathroom saying "OMG! She pouted all morning because we didn't go out to breakfast!" or "She spends all her time on the phone! I might as well be on this trip alone!"

Not with Jess. Not for one second did we get on each others' nerves or bicker or have a moment of tension. Miraculously, we seemed to be in sync for the entirety of our trip. No small feat! I think that this is due in large part to the fact that we both fundamentally believe that vacation has three finite goals: lounge, eat, and shop. Oh and also because we were drunk most of the time.

KIDDING! (not really)

It helps too that we share the same twisted sense of humor where even a CONVERSATION about the SkyMall catalog can send us into a crying fit of laughter. Meaning, there was no actual catalog on the plane, but just TALKING about it made our shoulders shake and eyes tear up because YES, a standing pig wearing a chef's hat and apron while holding a chalkboard is *that* funny.

Conclusion: we are ridiculous.

I could regale you with many tales from our trip, but perhaps the most memorable was our evening spent with the troubadour Paul who insisted on serenading us TABLESIDE whilst staring deeply into our eyes (Jess' were intermittently averted by the very arduous task of cutting asparagus). My strategy was to think of the most unfunny things possible, you know -- dead bunnies and JESUS ON THE CROSS.

Seriously. The whole evening was complete hilarity. Oh, One-Man-Show Paul with your Mark Cohn and Bruce Hornsby, you made our evening one of the funniest in TWENTY YEARS, for this we thank you.

If you're wondering how Mr. K fared, he was a superstar. I got texts all day long with photos and videos of happy piglets. He had a marvelous time with the whole Mr. Mom gig. In fact, he was so effusive about the whole experience, he had me wondering if perhaps he was enjoying my absence TOO much. When asked what made single parenting so fun for him Mr. K replied "I think it was being able to do whatever I wanted with the kids. I could even dress them in stuff that didn't really match!"

You'll excuse me now as I clean up the mess because MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED.

Ahem.

Jess and I returned in the evening around 7:00 p.m. and to say I hit the ground running would be an understatement. I no sooner set down my bags then it was "Juice! I need juice!" and "the babies need to eat!" My first full day after vacation went something like this:

9:00 a.m. - Playdate

11:00 a.m. - prepare trio for dr. visit and shots

12:30 p.m. - leave for dr.

2:45 p.m. - return home from dr. visit (during which the nurse started fanning me with the Twinks' charts because things got so crazy)

3:00 p.m. - drop off prescriptions at the pharmacy

3:30 p.m. - pick up dog from groomer due to "anal gland issues"

4:00 p.m. - take dog to vet for above mentioned problems

5:00 p.m. - return to pharmacy and pick up prescriptions

5:30 p.m. - make dinner, feed kids

6:00 p.m. - bathe babies

6:30 p.m. - last feed for babies

7:00 p.m. - bath for Piglet

7:30-10:00 p.m. - replace binkies, soothe babies, put Piglet to bed, clean kitchen, pick up house

Now how's that for a strong dose of reality?

Did I mention we had our own pool and 3,000 sq feet to frolic in just the two of us?

There's no such thing as a gradual re-entry when you are a mother!

So, if you're the jealous type...

You should skip this post.

Seriously.

Because it's gonna smart to read this one. A little. Okay, maybe a lot.

Especially if you have small children and are short on sleep.

Because my husband is all kinds of awesome sometimes.

And as I mentioned before, last year for my birthday, he told me to go away.

Without. The. Kids.

For FIVE days!

Not one to argue (ahem), I'm going.

TODAY!

And -- the best part? I'm taking my bestfriend with me. Five glorious poolside, coma-like-sleep, martini-stupor-filled and A&E movie marathon days. The weather's going to be hot like fire, but we honestly don't give a fart. Yep, I said fart. I live with four boys. It's part of our daily vocabulary. We are staying in a giant casita at a swanky resort and we have been waiting A YEAR for this vacation.

Correction. We have been waiting TWENTY years for this vacation, which is how long we've known each other, which is since we were 14 years old.

Annnnd now you know how old I am. Don't let it go to your head.

Presently I am running around like a terrifying organizer bunny with 'roid rage trying to get everything squared away before I leave at o'dark thirty tomorrow today. Curious what this involves? Want a sneak peek into the 'I dream of Container Store' brain of MVK?

Here's a sampling of what's on my list:

• Type up eight page user manual schedule for Twinks
• Fully stock fridge with the five items that Piglet will eat plus leafy greens for Mr. K.
• Clean and disinfect inside of suitcase
• Select outfits and make sure I pack the appropriate unmentionables to wear with each
• Pump, store in bags, date and freeze EXACTLY 262.5 ounces of milk, count it all again to make sure
• Send Mr. K an email reminding him of Piglet's classes and activities for the week. Also remind him to give Piglet daily vitamins.
• Double check and confirm hotel and car reservations
• Vacuum my purse

I sobbed a little as I bathed and put the Twinks to bed tonight, knowing that they will still be asleep when I leave in the morning so I won't have another chance squeeze their chubby thigh and kiss their round cheeks! As for Piglet, I told him I was going on a trip and he was staying home with Daddy for a few days. His response?

"Okay, mommy! BYE!!! I GO SEE CHOO CHOOS WITH DADDY! YAY!"

His little spirit was just CRUSHED as you can see.

Okay, off to check more things off my list. Only 3,842 more items to go.

HOLLA!

Another way to avoid sand...

...use your dad as a mule.  

Again. 

Wish you were here

We've been away at the beach for the past five days.  We've been busy running around with fellow pint-sized cousins, avoiding sand at all costs (Piglet is ABHORS it..and we are at the beach...nice), eating lots of tasty food and soaking in the beautiful weather.  I have had about ten blog entries sloshing around in my noggin, but none have come to fruition.  I'm sorry.  I think it's because the ocean waves and my recent propensity towards large meals are like a pregnant woman's A.mbien.  ALL I WANT TO DO IS TAKE LONG, LUXURIOUS NAPS!

For now, Piglet and I leave you with this image of us enjoying our beach blanket and sand toys, sans sand. Only Piglet.

Piglet minus Mommy

I did it, folks.  I left Piglet home alone with dh (and my mom) and got on a plane and flew to a sunny, warm destination, trading in toting a carseat and stroller and brought a girlfriend instead.  This is the infamous "weaning" trip to hopefully seal the deal on that little venture.  I'm not convinced it will though since I'm my boobs are still on Piglet time.  ;)

I did shed some tears as I kissed Piglet in his carseat when they dropped me off at the airport.  He was so sweet. Laying kisses on me and saying "mwah! mmmmmwah!"  I almost told dh to load my suitcase back up, I wasn't going anywhere.  No really.

But I did it.  I put one foot in front of the other and walked through the revolving door. I admired all the kiddos and held back tears while I waited in line to check my bag and was sad.  I told all the people with kids on the plane that I was going away for the first time without my 15 month-old.  I counted the minutes until I could receive all my text message updates about how Piglet was faring.  

But once we landed in our sunny destination and the idea of FIVE DAYS of sun and relaxation and taking care only of myself sunk in, I started to get excited.  And now that I've been here for two days, I think it's safe to say, while I miss Piglet TERRIBLY, it sure is mighty nice to get tons of sleep, eat at any restaurant (and I mean actually eat INSIDE the restaurant with BOTH hands) and worry only about whether I should apply SPF 8 or 15.  

I'm having a grand time.  So grateful to my dh for encouraging me to go on this little getaway and to my mom for helping out while I'm away.  I'm counting my many blessings on this sunny, warm (HOT!) day.  

And Piglet?  He's doing GREAT.  He's downing yogurt smoothies (no cow's or soy milk though) and eating up a storm.  Demanding and short-fused as ever.  Yesterday dh sent me a text saying that Piglet was in the backpack patting his head like a dog or horse while they were out on their walk.  Ha!  

Vacation's all I ever wanted...vacation had to get away.

We recently escaped to Palm Desert for about a week. We were supposed to stay for five days but the weather was so gorgeous, I wistfully said "I wish we could stay another day..." and dh granted my wish!  What a great hubby he is!  So what is it about the desert that makes it so inviting?  I'll tell you what - barely two hours non-stop from PDX, great restaurants, sun, sun and more sun. We NW dwellers start to crave sunshine in a primal way about this time of year so dh  and I try to make it down there once or twice a year. Though we did go to the Oregon Coast with my family last summer, this was our first, "get on an airplane and stay in a hotel with Piglet" vacation.  Actually, we stayed in a villa on the hotel property.  It was awesome to have a full kitchen and separate dining and living spaces with a one year-old!  They even provided us with a pack n' play and highchair.  That was sweet, yo.  

We took sunny walks all around the property, lounged by the kiddie pool and I even got several hours all by myself at the pool.  We ate at great restaurants and soaked in the sun.  One day I got to go to the king of all outlet malls.  For those who don't know me, that's equivalent to the Mother Ship calling me home. Seriously.  It was a great little get away and I can't wait to go back!  If our next IVF is successful (please, please let it work) it might even be our babymoon destination.  

Here are some pictures from our sunny stay in the desert.  I took all of them.  Enjoy. 

PS - Don't be too jealous, this trip was followed by a visit to my in-laws.  Enough said.  If I were smarter, I would've planned the trips in reverse order!!!