No, I didn't fall in...

My uncharacteristic silence probably has you all wondering if I've fallen into a porcelain bowl somewhere.  I'll admit, the likelihood is high, very high.  Higher than most skyscrapers in fact.  But that hasn't happened.  The closest I've come to falling in is having a drop of toilet water jump onto my cheek as a result of the violent er, deposit I just made.  Charming.  Really and truly.  

The truth is I have about ten blog entries at play, one of them is a list of foods I can't eat right now, or maybe ever again.  The problem is I get about 1/2 through it and then I have to run to the porcelain again.  Another one is an award I got from a bloggy friend about ten of my favorite memories.  I think so hard, too hard about this and then I get dizzy and have to run to the bathroom again.  Double blog fail.  

Right now my life is ruled by Piglet, Twinkies and hurling.  I wish I had something more interesting, more clever to share with you, but alas, the well is dry for the time being.  I meet with my OB today and then have my NT scan early next week, so there will be lots of things to report soon, hopefully all good.   

In the meantime, rest assured that I am here, even if I've slowed down to a crawl.  

Stockpiling

I'm a planner folks.  You all know this by now, or if not, you certainly will in the coming months. And some of you may call me brazen, you may say I am being overly optimistic or just plain stupid, but I have started to get ready for twins.  

I've talked to my friends with twins about what I'm going to need.  I've asked them to hang on to some stuff for me.  

I've even *gasp* BOUGHT a twin thing or two.  I went to an awesome resale event a few weeks ago and I could not resist some barely used, half-price things.  

Call me crazy.  

I'm okay with that.  Because if I'm not crazy now, I will definitely fit that bill come spring.  

I just have a very strong sense that Les Twinkies are here to stay.  They are not going anywhere. Every single day, all day, they make their presence known to me as I wonder if I will make it to my favorite house of porcelain for the umpteenth time.  

They are here to stay. They are strong, so strong. They are coming home some months from now.

And I'll be damned if I'm not as prepared as I can possibly be.  

Because that would be crazy, brazen and just plain stupid.

My "never" and "always" list.

1. Never wear socks and sandals. Really. This also goes for hosiery with sandals. Just. Don't. 

*Post edit: My friend Summer pointed out that peep toes with opaque tights a la Anthropologie are really charming.  I agree.  Which is why this goes for sandals and not peep toes. :)*

2. Always wash your feet before you go to bed, particularly if you've been traipsing around in flip flops all day.  The grime of the world is on the soles of your feet and you don't want that between your sheets.  Trust me on this.  

3. Never wear navy blue and black together.  This is especially unpleasant when it's solid navy paired with solid black.  This is why God invented charcoal grey, chocolate brown and cordovan.  So you never have an excuse to wear navy blue and black together.

3. Never cut in line.  There's no excuse for it and it puts everyone behind you in line in a foul mood.  

4. Always splurge and buy Halloween, Valentine's Day and Easter candy. Awesome colors and adorable shapes and sizes. Resistance is futile.

5. Never put your feet on the back of the seat in front of you at the movies if there's someone sitting there.  There's no worse feeling than knowing the nasty soles of someones shoes, or worse, their stinky feet, are right by your ears.  GROSS.  

6. Never give up hope.  It truly springs eternal if you embrace it. Sometimes this means digging really deep, deeper than you thought possible, but the glimmer of light hope emits is always there.

8. Always carry a camera with you. Whether it's just a simple point and shoot or a more advanced camera or even the measly camera on your phone, technology has given us the gift of being able to capture life's most precious moments in a most convenient way.  Take full advantage!

9. Never use someone else's toothbrush.  The reasons are obvious, but if they aren't obvious to you, I'm not sure where to go from here.

10.  Always have dessert.  Especially if you're at a fancy restaurant with your Sweetie. Unless you don't really feel like it, or feel like if you eat one more bite of anything you are going to hurl, in which case, skip it.  But if you want it, for the love of Jude, HAVE IT!  And then take a bite of your Sweetie's too.  :) 

perfect ten

Ten weeks!  

Double digits! 

i wouldn't say this pregnancy is flying by but we're getting there.  To tell you the truth, what I'm really excited for is the arrival of 15 weeks.  In my head, 15 weeks is a mythical place where nausea and vomiting do not exist, where I know whether to buy pink or pull out all my bins of blue and where I can start being my normal, productive, tidy self again.  

Five more weeks until we reach this beautiful place. I'm all about goals and now my eye is on the prize!  

I imagine these weeks flying by in a flurry of days.  Just like the period of time between Thanksgiving and New Year's day. 

Zoooooooom!  

Done!  

January 2!  

Time to take down the lights! 

Then right after that, I want to time to essentially stand still.  

Because the truth is. 

I love being pregnant.  I loved every minute of being pregnant with Piglet.  Loved my slowly swelling belly, shopping for chic maternity clothes, eating only apples and nectarines for weeks on end.  

I loved it all.  I almost didn't want it to end.  Almost.  

Then I hit 38 weeks and my feet swelled and I couldn't sleep and I was so filled with anticipation of meeting Piglet I was bursting. Literally. Up until that point though it was pure bliss.  

But this time...because it's been so very hard with the all-day sickness, fatigue, worry about the twins, inability to get excited about food (which I so dearly love), I am willing time to take me to 15 weeks quickly.  

And then.

I want it to sloooooooooow down.  

I want to savor my last-ever pregnancy like a child with a popsicle on a sweltering day. 

Last. Ever. Pregnancy.  Tear!

I'm asking a lot, I know.  

Speed up.

Slow down.

Make up your mind already, woman!

P.S. According to my pregnancy week-by-week book, Les Twinks are each the size of a small plum. Two plums people!  Wrap your head around THAT!

From the vault

As you may know, I'm a *very* sentimental person.  Not to throw caution to the wind, but my gut tells me that the Twinks are really coming.  It's likely going to be a long road, and probably not without trials, but if I'm right, come March, we will be adding two little ones to our brood.  With this on my mind all the time, I've started to look at Piglet differently. 

Trying to imagine him as a big brother is both easy and impossible.  Impossible because he's my LITTLE boy!  

My monkey!  

My lovebug! 

My baby.  

How could he ever share those titles with anyone else?

It's also easy to imagine because he is so sweet to other babies and whenever I ask him if he wants a baby, he gets a very serious look on his face and nods his head.  

I feel myself getting sentimental about his baby and toddlerhood a lot these days, cherishing our lazy mornings together and trips to the zoo and park.  Because I have always stayed home with Piglet, he's always been my #1 sidekick, received 100%+ of my attention.  We've been spoiled to have this amazing time together. But come spring, I know this is all going to change dramatically.

And while I am excited, so excited and thrilled and filled with lurve for Les Twinks, I can't help but worry about how I am still going to be the same devoted mother I am to Piglet.  How will he react to having to share so much of my time and attention?  I know that I am giving him the best gift in the world - siblings, but I am still wracked with guilt and worry about how his life will change in the immediate future. 

If not for my gimpy ovaries and the need to speed up our timeline as a result, I would have waited one more year to do IVF, given Piglet a little more time to mature and be able to understand why I have to feed the babies before I can put his train track together.  Maybe I'm underestimating him and he will be just fine, helpful even.  Right?  

Anyway, I've been watching a lot of classic Piglet videos lately.  I've posted these before, but since they're my favorites, I thought I'd post them one more time in no particular order. :)  

April 2009 - I love this one because he says only one syllable "da" but is so expressive not to mention hilariously demanding! 

September 2008 - The first loooong giggle we ever caught on video.

October 2008 - The first time Piglet truly mimicked anyone. 

She sang.

It's hard to believe, but today I had my last EVER appointment with Dr. Dreamy.  No more wands, no more blood draws, no more fancy waiting room with fridge full of bottled water.  We were there for our last ultrasound and thankfully, Les Twinkies looked gorgeous.  Truly identical, their hearts were beating at the exact same pace (170 bpm) and they are measuring the exact the same size (22.9mm).  Both of them wiggling around and seemingly very content.  We are blessed beyond all measure.  

Even with this amazing news, I felt a pang as I said thank you and goodbye to Dreamy and his team. After I was officially released with Piglet, I knew we'd be back for another baby so it didn't feel quite so final. But today I saw her.  

The proverbial Fat Lady.

And she sang me a lovely parting song.

It went something like this:

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen 

If you werrrrren't, knocked up, we'd see your face again!  

(musical interlude: dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun duuuuunnnnn, curtsey)

So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen

You're preggggnant with twiiiiins, you mustn't drink champagne! 

(repeat musical interlude, curtsey) 

The time, has come, for us to part our wayyyyyssss

Stay onnnn the meds, don't skip, don't miss a daaaayyyyy!

Catchy little number, isn't it?  Catchy and *completely* original, fraulein.  

The Dreamster made my last visit extra bittersweet by looking supremely dapper today. (Ice blue shirt with slight basketweave and darker blue tie with fine diamond pattern, grey slacks, no cuffs, dark brown oxford loafers - you know, in case you were wondering.) And as I lamented that it was my last visit, he said "You can come back anytime."  And I said "Now you realize this is me you're talking to.  You may live to regret that."  And then he laughed and gave me a twinkly smile and said "Just you. YOU can come back anytime."  MELT.  

As I hopped off the table and discarded my paper sheet for the last time, it was a strange feeling knowing that I would never be in that exam room again, never see many of the staff again.  I felt very wistful about it to be honest.  I know it sounds crazy, but you all know me well enough by now to know that I'm nothing if not a lot a little crazy.  I really and truly loved working with the staff there and have had very little, if anything, to complain about.  

To show my gratitude, I plan to do a little something to thank the staff (probably bake them a few dozen cupcakes from scratch) and also something extra special for Dr. Dreamy.  I haven't settled on what yet but it'll come to me. I know it seems backwards that after paying out of pocket for every single thing (you are welcome for the mortgage payment on your gorgeous vacation home), it's ME that's now thanking THEM?  Isn't paying through the nose enough?  It would seem so, but that's just not my style. 

I'm all about grateful. 

Besides, I still have to convince Dreamy to eventually friend me on F.acebook. 

Outraged and devastated.

Today a URL friend who has become an IRL friend got devastating news.  Her baby's heart stopped beating.  She was just released from her RE a few days ago, all was well. 

I AM OUTRAGED.  FURIOUS.  WITHOUT WORDS STRONG ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE HOW MAD I AM.  

This woman and her husband are good, decent, hard working people.  They've endured several IVF cycles and suffered multiple losses because ALL THEY WANT IS A BABY. ONE. BABY.

To love.

To nurture.

To call their own.  

AND THIS HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, TRAGEDY has befallen them again.  

Why them?  

Why ANYONE? 

My friend and I were so looking forward to being pregnant together.  She has been a tremendous support to me since we started our cycle and through all the ups and downs so far.  I am devastated for her to put it lightly.  I know there is nothing I can do or say that will ease her pain or grief even a tiny bit.  NOTHING.  I also know that she may not want to keep in touch with me anymore.  And I'm so sad about that, but I understand. Who wants frequent reminders of the incredible loss you've suffered?  

That is one thing infertility does for your soul that is actually positive.  It gives you an unending supply of empathy, makes you able to cry an ocean of tears for someone you have never met in person.  

And today I did this.  I sat in my car and sobbed for a friend and her baby and wished I there was something more I could offer.

Niner

I'm nine weeks today!  Three more weeks until I can tell people I'm pregnant!  Oh wait. I already told everyone.  ;)  

On my list of things to do:

1. Call my awesome OB and make my first appointment and ask her a ton of questions about working with my MFMS.  She is going to love me for it.
2. Stop puking seventeen times a day Feel better in six weeks. Until then, replenish the supply of plastic bags in my car.  On average, I use six per car ride.  Sometimes I tuck the bag into the collar of whatever I'm wearing because, well duh, hands at ten and two o'clock! Safety first!
3. Laundry.  Tons of it.
4. Start potty training Piglet.  Whenever he's pooping, he now giggles and points to his diaper and sure enough a couple minutes later there is a lovely gift in there for me. We think he's ready to at least start the process.  Not sure how I feel about it! 
5. Keep listening to the G.lee version of Journey's iconic "Don't Stop Believin'" and then keep singing only one or two lines over and over again.  Mr. K *luhves* this to no end.just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world, she took the midnight train going annnnnneeeeeewhere 
6. Go up to the attic and pull out my maternity clothes.  No Bella Band is going to save me now. Being pregnant with twins the second time around will do that to you.  
7. Book our tickets to go visit my in-laws. (not fun) Book our tickets for our baby moon (more fun)! We might go on two short trips instead of one long one.  
8. Finish reading Dr. Barbara Luke's book and continue being shocked at what her guidelines are for nutrition.  They go something like this: Since you are carrying multiples, eat an entire side of beef or the vegetarian equivalent every day. Then chase it with a quart of whole milk and eight servings of fruit. The fruit?  No problem. A QUART OF WHOLE MILK EVERY DAY?  Problem!
9. Further debate the merits of going to Costco and buying an entire box of peppermint Mentos vs. just buying them at the grocery store a few at a time to ensure freshness. Nothing worse than a stale Mento!  
10. Take measurements of the nursery and figure out the best configuration for two cribs.  Planning people, it's all about planning.